So heres the real deal…
I struggle with insecurities. BIG TIME.
Now in all honesty, I have received AMAZING breakthrough in the past few years from pain and rejection that had plagued me for YEARS. His kindness really is the most wonderful blanket of love and acceptance, but something happened to shift my entire world…
I GOT MARRIED.
Yup. I said it. Every single woman’s DREAM, the idol of our thoughts and the obsession of our problems forever being wiped away. “Marriage will fix everything” I thought. “Marriage will fill the ache of loneliness that always seems to tug at me” I believed… WRONG. So so so wrong.
I think I gained a glimpse of the shift in my engagement. Here was this adorable, tender and lovesick man, who ardently loved weak, stubborn and anxious little me. He preferred me, fought for me and loved me with a pure heart. Yet the ache was still there… Anyone go through a similar transition?
Then the beautiful DAY happens, honeymoon whirlwinds us together and we come back home to MASSIVE transition in our move to Georgia. “Oh it will all settle down in a few weeks…” Or so I thought. Little trickles of pain, fear, frustration and insecurities kept popping up and in all honesty I felt like I was at square 1 again. Like I didn’t know which way was up, or how to find the air to breath. I was trapped underwater, and fear was drowning my peace.
I was worried I wouldn’t be a good wife and that he would realize he married the wrong woman. I feared that if the house wasn’t perfectly clean, dinner on the table and if I was not the prized trophy wife with the perfect little body, he would distance himself from me and wish for a better life… I feared so many aspects of marriage, manifesting old wounds and assumed he was always just “a little bit” frustrated with me. So I would puff up, project fears upon the one man who saw past my pain, and recluse inside of myself. This went on for the first few months and I couldn’t figure out why he hadn’t given up on me. Everyone else had at this point…
But instead of pulling away from me, my husband pushed through. He spoke life over me, prayed truth into me and wouldn’t let me spiral into my old patterns of coping with pain. Patience. Tenderness. Real love. I never knew that another person could love such a weak and broken heart. A heart that I had THOUGHT was pretty good, fairly steady and healed. Oh did The Lord have such a curve ball up his sleeve for me!
I knew deep down in my last year of being single, that I had come as far as I could “alone” and would not receive the next “breakthrough” in my heart until my husband came. I didn’t know why I felt this way, I just knew that something was beyond my grasp and I needed him to come and fight WITH me and ALONGSIDE of me. Little did I know that The Lord was about to peel me back like an onion with multiple layers of wounds and pain that could only be touched, healed and restored by a husband who covered me and loved me as Jesus did.
I was stunned at what was buried beneath the surface. Scared because he could see everything. When you live with roomates, you can close the door and stew in your pain ALONE, but in marriage, you sleep NEXT TO the one who sees everything. Yet somehow I was comforted by my husbands resilience and consistency. Month rolled into month and I was shocked that I was so scared of loosing him… I didn’t even know where this insecurity came from. Fear drove me to hear the lies and whispers of the enemy. Fear of such ridiculous accusations. Fear of the unknown. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of failure that would ultimately lead to rejection. It would ebb and flow, differing in intensity from month to month, but under the surface the fear lingered.
But something snapped in me a few weeks ago. I was tired of living afraid and tired of projection the same worries on a husband who has shown me nothing but kindness, faithfulness and patience as I fought the demons that had become so familiar. I wept with him one night and he said to me that it was time to stop hearing the voice of the enemy about my life, and to come out from living under insecurities. I don’t know why, but it was like his authority snapped me back into reality and I knew I had to ground myself in the Word. I needed truth to fight the lies and the Word of God to crush the accusation.
So I felt The Lord lead me to take the entire month of July and meditate and study Psalm 139. I am so excited because its one of my favorite Psalms, but I have never actually taken time to dive into it verse by verse. Joy has flooded my heart, and I know that if I could know the Lords heart and thoughts over me, I will be well equipped with the weapons needed to fight the accuser that would come to assault me.
Psalm 139:1 says “Oh Lord, you have searched me and KNOW me!”
I love this because if anyone can sees the dark places of our hearts, its The Lord. Yet I always seem to forget that. I assume He is angry and disappointed, yet in reality, He sees my pain, and produces the perfect amount of pressure to make my heart break free and come alive in love. He sees me and He KNOWS me. He made me in His likeness and image and I have to believe that He actually likes me! He likes my personality, my sense of humor, my dreams & passions and the way I love Him in return. He knows me and loves me! The Song of Solomon says in 1:5 that “I am dark but lovely”! Though I am walking out of darkness into His glorious light; though I am walking through the process of sanctification and I make mistakes, He sees me as BEAUTIFUL! He loves the process! He truly is the one who leads my to streams of living waters and is my good and tender Shepherd.
So I leave you with this thought… Life comes at you, especially in huge transitions, and that which you have built upon the temporal will not last. We must look to Jesus the Author and Perfecter of our faith and know that He will lead us to run the race so that when we stand before Him on THAT DAY we will be holy and blameless in love. I want to live a life that is free from insecurities. I don’t want to reckon myself to my old life, but see that I am a new creation in Christ and He has made a way for me to come to Him. I want to live my life in a way that testifies and prophesies of His glory and worth. So look at those things that hold you captive, lay them at the foot of the cross, and dig into the truth of His word that sets the heart FREE.
I am on a journey to living free from fear and invite you along. Feel free to share your thoughts or your own struggles, so that we can agree in truth with one another, and see the breakthrough that God intended!
In His presence there truly is FULLNESS OF JOY! Oh precious Jesus give our hearts JOY today!
Drink deep of His love,